I’m in this place in my head…I feel alone and isolated. It’s like i’m drowning and I can’t come up for air. Why is it so cold in Iowa? So I go outside the hotel to smoke a cigarette, bundled in my hat that makes me look utterly ridiculous and my finger-less gloves. The cold certainly doesn’t help my mood, so I pace back and forth, taking slow drags and exhaling, watching the smoke float up into the air. I can see stars. It’s hard to see stars in city skies, pollution or smog usually hides them from view.
I wish I had some answers, I wish I knew where life would take me from here. It’s all one big mystery that I can’t seem to unravel. My life has changed so much and I just want to lay in my own bed. I want to sink into it as deeply as I can with the covers over my head and just pretend that nothing exists. Ironically, I guess that is how I feel right now, that nothing exists, there is only me in some place in the middle of the United States that I’ve never been, on a cold night…alone.
The universe is taunting me. For the first time ever I am in the same city and state as the women who inspired me to write; Amy Tan. She is on a book tour for her new book Valley of Amazement. I know I won’t be able to see her because the lecture is two hours long and trying to convince the guys to sit through a two hour lecture is not going to happen. She is also coming to Saint Louis, but of course it is while I am out for work, so that is a no go. I’ve wanted my whole life to meet her, to be in the same room with her and to tell her how she inspires me. How her work is so inspirational to so many people on so many levels, myself included, but I can’t.
I feel like I could scream right now and nobody would hear me. The universe turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to the feelings that want to pour out of me like a river dam breaking. I can’t seem to grasp any understanding of the things that are happening around me. I realize that I am rambling, but that is what happens when I can’t even get a grip onto my own thoughts.
I had to leave the room for awhile. Joefer is asleep, Cody is trying to figure out what connection problem he is having with his computer and while I could sit and watch Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, which I love, the room feels small now. I had to escape, go to someplace more open that didn’t smell like Garlic Butter from the Little Caesars that we ate earlier.
It’s almost 10:00 pm and the lobby is abuzz with other hotel patrons enjoying the heated pool and hot tub in the room affixed to the lobby. At least they have some kind of escape from the icy breeze blowing outside. The frosty winds break through layer after layer effortlessly. My mind panics as I mentally and physically want to be at home and I know that I can’t. I’m on this run until November 27th and I just want to escape.
The good news is that I am finally off of training pay, so that means more money will be coming in, the only problem is that it won’t serve me well until after I need it the most. That is the way that it usually goes. Things never seem to line up the way they should and the timing is just always…off.
Tomorrow we head out to Fargo, North Dakota and just the thought of the even colder temperature makes me want to run and hide. Make some plan to find my way back to Saint Louis. However, we all know that we can’t run from our problems because it always has a way of catching up to us. I know this, but yet I can’t help but want to just run away. That’s when you ask yourself, “how far would I actually get.” The honest answer to that question is always a good way to kick your ass back to reality. Tomorrow…tomorrow is a new day.