After years of soul searching, observing, reading, and the ideals of what I believe love is and should be…I am no closer to understanding it. I love many people in many different ways. I just always believed romantic love would be different. I imagined that there would be a person out there that couldn’t live without me…but that isn’t the case. No matter how much we love someone we can and will certainly live without them.
I imagined that I could spend nights curled up on the couch with someone who would read me poetry and tell me stories of our fantastic future together. I imagined something other than reality. The reality is that all of our ideals are just that and to expect them to be that reality that you had created in your head is just foolish. I realize now that the reality is that people who love each other simply love each other and that doesn’t entitle you to romance.
I had tried to fight the harsh truth that most romance is dead and that most men do not even understand what romance is, or get the concept that if you continue to be romantic throughout the relationship that it makes for a very happy life. If of course you have a woman such as myself. I don’t need it everyday but once a month would be nice. Run her a bubble bath in a candlelit bathroom after she had a long day, write her a letter telling her how much she means to you after all the ups and downs, read to her her favorite poem, get her flowers once in awhile just because.
Maybe I am asking too much. Perhaps people get the perception that because I have tattoos and a sometimes non-sentimental exterior that I don’t appreciate those things, but I do. If those little things will make her happy, why not? Tell her to stay in bed one day and bring her breakfast…ok so maybe you don’t know how to cook, pop some frozen waffles in the toaster, it’s the thought that counts.
All of this was prompted after both a conversation I had with someone today but as well as some facebook posts I’ve seen lately. There are a lot of men on facebook talking about how women lie, cheat, and treat men like crap and that is why they do what they do. I am not going to say that women don’t do those things, but a good woman will be faithful and give as much of herself as she can if treated the right way. I remember a time when I loved someone so much that I literally cried watching as they left my house because I missed him so much the moment he walked out the door. I remember loving so hard that the very thought that he didn’t love me the same way completely crushed me. I remember butterflies.
I’m not unreasonable, I realize that life takes hold of us sometimes and we forget about what is important. With marriages and relationships failing everywhere you have to ask yourself why. I have tried to give and give and I am all out of everything. I am so numb to it all, but I know from experience that it can be restored. It takes effort.
Once upon a time there were long emails and messages, phone calls that last for hours, an intimacy that was fulfilling, and a kindness, laughter, and smile that filled my heart. Now there is emptiness. A lack of everything that made me feel special and whole. I go on day to day pretending like everything will work itself out, but I know the truth. WIthout the effort it just crumbles further and my heart moves further away. He may say that I just don’t notice the things that he does do…and that isn’t true. I notice when he walks to the gas-station for me, or when I asked him to make dinner. I notice when he does the dishes and the laundry. However, I also notice the fact that I rarely see a smile, or when I ask him what is wrong the only answer I get is, “Just a lot on my mind.” I notice that he doesn’t sit anywhere near me unless we have company and sometimes not even then. I notice that he hasn’t held my hand in so long that I can’t even remember. I notice that when he says he loves me or that I am beautiful that it just sounds routine and he never really looks deep into my eyes when he says it.
I see all the angles and I know that as much as I say that he should try, I could too. I did that before without satisfactory results, I’ve waved the white flag. So I sit and wait. An oasis by myself waiting to be rescued. Wondering if the isolation and loneliness will go away. I ask myself if this can go on forever, and if I am alright with that. Until there are answers gained, only questions remain.