I’ve found myself in a position of waking in the middle of the night. I ask myself, “What state am I in?” It’s so hard to keep track of the days, hours, and weeks anymore. I feel the isolation at times and it’s both peaceful and unsettling. When I get back home from miles of trees, fields, and highway I find myself relieved and then I get anxious. What a great thing to be back in a comfortable place with my family, but my body cannot rest, my mind cannot sleep.
I’m ready to go again shortly after. They said this would happen. It’s a double edged sword. Miles away I want to be at home, when I am here my thoughts are flooded with where I will be next, what people I will meet, what places I will see. It’s an experience for sure and I had questioned realistically how I could do this job long term, but now I wonder how content I will be when I am not doing it anymore.
I may not like the company politics or even the way certain people, whom shall remain nameless, handle situations, but my life is now changed. I once feared driving on the highways and now it’s the road most traveled for me. Once stuck in a city in the mid-west wondering how I would get to see anything and go anywhere, now I am everywhere I can be. Weeks at a time on the road, in Florida one day, Arkansas the next. West Virginia and New York soon on the list.
I asked myself how I could be blessed with such an opportunity and question where my life will take me next. Years ago I was a firm believer that I would only be in Saint Louis and until the day I would die. The world seemed so big and places seemed so far away. That was until I realized that I could make it just about anywhere in the USA in a day. It really puts into perspective that for as big as the Earth seems the landmasses are relatively small. I’m making connections and living for once.
You must understand where I’ve come from…I grew up with many hardships. Dealt a crappy hand, if you will, made my own share of mistakes to further my inconvenient position. Then when I finally believed I would do something significant with my life, made a plan in high school, life had another in store. A pregnant teenager with no new plan or direction, sinking further and further into a mental state of depression and despair. I was certain that my children would have the same fate. I made some decisions to help better our situation and for every step I took I would fall again. However, my children aren’t growing up in bad neighborhoods, they are getting a great education…so something has changed. They have friends that come from stable households and higher income brackets, something more to strive for.
I’ve made sacrifices, so many sacrifices. It’s cost me a lot. Sometimes my morality, intelligence, time, energy, ambition, and money. The sacrifices we make based upon our choices are so great, but whether they are worth it in the end, well only time will tell. I told my oldest daughter about when I was her age, living in the city, I always had a hustle…very business minded. Always turning a profit to make my own money and yet I’ve made choices that have kept me struggling and it’s time to change that. I want them to learn from my mistakes, I want to fix my own mistakes. I want to accomplish the things that I once said that I would. I keep pushing forward, I keep dreaming, keep hoping, I keep writing, and one day perhaps I will get somewhere. Somewhere I want to be, on my terms, and not someone else’s. To provide the example that I didn’t have so that someone, anyone can take something away from my life that can help them. Just like the Queens of the Stone Age song, Go With the Flow: I want something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live.